I Can’t Tell | J. Strawn

He was the old man who lived in the gray house on the corner.  Always had a smile on his face like he knew something about me that I didn’t. Kept inviting me over because it was neighborly. Did I want to come over for an after-school snack? Did I like to fish? I should come along next time. Did I like his motorcycle and want a ride? I guess he wasn't “old-old” if he could still get his leg over the bike. I thought he might be too heavy for it.

He liked to tug on his floppy earlobe with his pudgy fingers. He squinted a lot behind his thick glasses because that’s how he smiled. Sometimes his eyes just looked beady.

He had a church-going wife. They were grandparents. I saw the grandkids show up for visits. The little boy asked if I wanted to play and stay for dinner.

They were odd but so was I. Grow up alone and you wouldn't know the difference between normal and odd. Safe or dangerous. Everything past our back lawn was dangerous. We lived in mountains at the edge of a forest. We had bears and mountain lions. Moose and elk too. Don't want to get in the way of those males. Unpredictable People said the females only attacked when they were worried for their cubs. If mom was around more, maybe that's what she would be like.

I didn't like it when the man came knocking on the door. He noticed the cars were gone. Mom and dad went shopping an hour away. Our town had the mart and the craft store but she wanted something "of value" for once. Everything in our house was crap. She yelled about it. I think I was included in that but I was watching Knight Rider. I wanted my best friend to be a car. A thing of value to love me.

The man said no one should be inside on such a beautiful day. He was getting ready for the kids and wanted my help picking blackberries. He said I had the perfect sized-hands for picking berries. I guess I went with him.

Hands slap and touch and rip things. Himalayan blackberries are invasive. We need to rip them out. I was wearing baggy jeans and my puffy paint t-shirt that said "terrific." I forgot about the thorns. So many scratches. I had to throw away my jeans and things. They were too dirty. I think I got a stomachache later. I don't remember.

Mom and dad thought I caught the flu. Must be the flu. My fault for going out there.

Did I go somewhere?

I spent four days in bed and don’t want to go outside anymore.

The man had beady eyes and big hands. He kept asking when I would go berry picking with him. Again. The woods are too scary and I can't tell when it's safe or dangerous. I can’t tell anymore.

I can’t tell anyone.

J. Strawn was raised in the US & UK. She worked as an editor, actress, fashion lackey & music producer. She is currently writing a sci-fi/fantasy novel. She also co-produces, sings & plays keys for Luna Mare. Her horror/flash fiction "Prisoner and Parsley" appeared in Apparition Literary Magazine. She is based in CA with her family & tweets @strawn_ja