Recommendations for Adjusting to Life with a Poltergeist | Tyler Norton
It starts with an unpleasant surprise, like biting on a morsel stuck between your teeth, only to discover it’s a peppercorn. Or, in my case, opening the cabinet to find a half-empty bottle of orange juice hiding among the glassware.
You’ll try to rationalize it, like I did. You’re working too hard; you’re not sleeping enough; “political strife at home and abroad.” Pick your favorite. It will help—for a little while, at least. Until it happens again.
The second time you find the juice in the cabinet, or the car keys in the freezer, or the cash in the microwave, you start to think you’re losing it. Epilepsy, early-onset Alzheimer’s, brain tumor: a pyramid of pathologies pointing to the end of the world as you know it. The third time? You’re convinced. Get-your-affairs-in-order convinced.
When it happens again, though, that’s when you get suspicious. Take the juice for example. I distinctly remember putting it in the fridge, on the top shelf between the half-and-half and the sour beer I don’t really like, but it was a gift, so I can’t throw it away. That’s your I’m-not-crazy moment. Congratulations!
The bad news, though, is that things are about to get worse—and soon.
I compiled a list of tips for dealing with the more aggressive stages of poltergeist activity. Maybe I’ll put them together in a book someday. For now, these tried-and-tested methods got me through the worst of it, and relatively unscathed, to boot. Hopefully you’ll find them just as helpful.
Alton’s Suggestions for Mitigating Poltergeist Activity
1. Lock all sharp utensils—kitchen knives, hardware, scissors, etc.—away. This is imperative. If you only follow one piece of advice, please let it be this one. Seriously. I mean it.
2. For a good night’s sleep, you’ll want to muffle anything that produces noise: stereos, surround-sound speakers, televisions, even blenders. They have a tendency to turn on, full tilt, in the middle of the night. You can try unplugging them, but that’s not guaranteed to work. Take some extra comforters—regular blankets or towels will suffice, but the thicker the better—and drape them over anything that gets noisy. Bringing earplugs to bed won’t hurt, either.
3. Invest in light bulbs, and by the pallet. Don’t worry about the heavy-duty kind. Now isn’t the time to splurge, because you’re going to go through a lot of them.
4. Leave cups of white vinegar around the house. The regular kind you find at the grocery store is fine, no need for the industrial-strength cleaning variety. You’re going to notice weird smells, and you’ll be tempted to combat them with other smells. Ditch the candles and the air fresheners, because you’ll only end up with nasty, clashing odors. It’s better to just absorb them all together.
5. Try to avoid addressing the poltergeist. It likes the attention. Lashing out will only get your blood pressure up, and the activity will continue. When you feel like you’re about to keel over, take some deep breaths. If you don’t? You’ll be sorry.
I know what you’re thinking: Alton, how do I get rid of the poltergeist? Or, Alton, why do I have a poltergeist in my house in the first place? Well, if I knew, I’d tell you; I’m still trying to figure that out myself. The how-to guides online aren’t terribly useful.
What I do know is that brute force isn’t a good strategy for unwanted houseguests. Confrontation only makes things worse. It sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes cohabitation is the best path forward.
Does it work all the time? Judging from the sound of plates shattering in my kitchen as I type this, no. But it’s better than the alternatives.
At least it’s not a demon. Or your in-laws.
They can be way scarier.
Tyler Norton is a dark fiction writer from Upstate New York. His work has appeared, or is forthcoming, in The Arcanist, Daily Drunk Magazine, and more.